02 September 2013

Choir Blackmail

Earlier today I got some pretty disappointing news about the choir I auditioned for: they've had so many people wanting to audition they added two new audition days for next week. Also, because they've had so many women wanting to audition they've decided that women who refer men to audition have a better chance to get in. So if you don't bring a guy, your chance goes down the drain. At least, that's what it feels like.

Even before they sprung this policy change on us, I had been trying to recruit my guy singer friends simply because I know this choir is going to be an INCREDIBLE experience and I don't want anyone to miss out. Now, I might miss out because I can't get a guy to audition. Tyson can't do it because he'll be watching William and dealing with the semester from heck. I'm so disappointed. I actually feel really badly about this. After all the crap I've been through in the past few weeks, months, years this was one thing I was looking forward to in a big way. I was chatting with a friend about the choir a few days ago and I expressed my nervousness about maybe not getting in (this was before the new policy). She told me that everything would work out because God knows how much I need something like this in my life right now. And now? Ugh.

All the anxiety I felt the day of my audition? It's back. In a big way. I barely made it through last week, dealing with grad school and my audition and other stuff. I've never struggled with anxiety and stress like this. I'm doing my very best not to deal with it like I used to: comfort food. I threw myself into my grad work today and it helped for a while. Now it's 10:30pm and I should be going to bed but I can't. My body is reacting poorly to the stress, my mind is stretched and fried, and my heart feels heavy.

I can't make anyone audition for this choir and list me as their referral. I am trying my best to act and not react. And who knows. Maybe by some miracle I'll still get in, without a guy. The first rehearsal is Thursday evening. I'll hang on until then.

I heard this quote somewhere and I think it applies: When you feel like you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

I'm hanging on for dear life.

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