I thought I should take a mo' and jot down the reasons why I'm trying to lose weight, be more active, eat better, and be healthier. This weight-loss plan is tough and I need some self-motivation to keep it up over the weekend.
1) I want to feel self-confident again.
2) William is an active boy and I need to keep up with him. I want to do fun, active things but my weight sometime prohibits my participation.
3) My body isn't healthy. My mind is struggling. If I'm going to do this master's program, I'm going to need my mind and body to be healthy so I can be successful.
4) I want to take control of my eating habits. I am an emotional eater and I want to change that. I want to be skilled at handling hard things without seeking comfort in food.
5) I want to dance again and not be embarrassed, but feel proud.
6) I want to take chances and try new things, but I feel judged for my size.
7) I want to lead a healthier lifestyle and influence my family to make good choices too.
8) I don't want to be addicted to sugar.
9) I want to actually see myself as beautiful and sexy and believe it. Not just take Tyson's word for it. I want to feel it.
10) I want to make these changes now so that the rest of my life can be lived freely and joyfully.
This is a hard thing for me. It's a whole new mindset. Sometimes, I feel excluded. Social eating, you know? That's a big part of the Mormon culture and I worry about participating because I don't want people to judge me. It seems counter-intuitive to blog about this is a public way when really all I want is to lose weight and then emerge a more confident person in a few months. Like, suddenly I'm not overweight! Ta-da!
I am doing something to change my life for the better. The Medifast program is backed by my doctor and my family. I know there are some people who don't believe in these sorts of programs and to them I say that I hope you are always in control of your body and you never need to lose a significant amount of weight. It's hard. It's embarrassing for me. I am taking a leap of faith, trusting that if I do my part, this program will help me be a healthier person. I have faith in my family, who love me more than anyone. They have done it and so can I. They are my cheering squad!
I don't need to be told that dieting is bad, or wrong, or that I'll just gain it back. This weight-loss phase of the program is just that: a phase. The Medifast program teaches you how to transition from the 5 & 1 program back to regular food. It teaches you about portion control, healthier choices, and changes the way you think about food. Already I feel stronger emotionally. I don't need an ice cream bar. It won't make me feel better about myself.
I decided to blog about this openly because it's therapeutic for me. This blog is like my journal. I want to remember how I felt and what I thought in the moment, not months later. I need to know now what my motivation is for doing this program. I have already seen and felt the effects of the program and I'm excited to continue in this journey. For now, while my body is adjusting to less calories, I've been told not to exercise. I do take the stairs at work though. I bet when I get to start exercising I'll feel even better. For now, I am doing my best to remember why I am choosing this path. I never want to feel this way again. I want to be comfortable in my body and not be scared of how people perceive me based on my size.